Mayday. 

 

 Ran/walked in a 5k today. Finished right under 45m. I’m pleased. 

Started phentermine last week. It helps control my hunger.  Also started Lamotrigine. Dr didn’t give me a label. Told her what I tried and she suggested it. “Look, I don’t  care what we call the diagnosis, we just want you to feel better.” Agreed.  She gave me other stuff to help sleep and calm down quickly, if I need to. The Lamotriginenwill take about that month to kick in. I love psychiatrists .  They mean business. Tried a psychologist and…yeah. Waste of $50.    

So I’m trying to become thin and sane. Any bets on which happens? (if any)

Better than the Bachelor. 

Free rose from the grocery  store. 

 

Putting off tomorrow.

“You see, once you get through the worst part of a trauma, once you realize it won’t actually kill you, once you realize that you still care enough to pick yourself up and keep on living, you become capable of experiencing profound joy.”

I’m not on the other side and I don’t know if I’ll every find that joy she speaks of. That’s what makes me scared to wake up tomorrow. I don’t want to be sad, but I have no idea how to find joy.

Thinking of suicide? Read me

Amazing article.

takingthemaskoff

“You see the giant and the shepherd in the valley and Elah and your eye is drawn to the man with the sword and shield and the glittering armor. But so much of what is beautiful and valuable in the world comes from the shepherd, who has more strength and purpose than we can ever imagine.”

 -Malcolm Gladwell

 

image

I survived a suicide attempt, spent years in rehab centers, jails, psych hospitals. Now I have worked as a staff, and at times as a supervisor at these type of facilities.

However my friend, he did not. This is what suicide looks like. This is him after hanging himself, right before he died. February 25th 2010.

 

The difference between us is nothing except our resources. He grew up in rough environment, by that I mean school, neighborhood, friends, and life experiences.

I try to preach getting to know each patient…

View original post 1,910 more words

Single and Happy

Please don’t misconstrue this as an overly perky “He’s out there and I know God has him waiting for me!!!” post. Being single is horrible. This post isn’t for people who don’t want to be in a relationship; it’s for those of us who would settle for questionable behavior just to have a relationship because it’s been close to a decade since you’ve been in one. We need something to do in the meantime otherwise we’ll kill ourselves for having no options. 

If you are single and Type A, I think you’ll enjoy this article titled “Single and Happy” because it’s practical. The author provides a plan for enhancing  six dimensions of a woman’s life that help her feel more fulfilled. Practical = 👍

If you’re looking for a more in-depth resource about creating a well-rounded single life, I recommend “With or Without a Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives.”  This book is the primer on how to make sure you’re meeting your needs (career, friendships, your home etc.) regardless of a man being present in your life. It’s unlike any singles book you’ve read before. I followed the methods for awhile in my 20s, but never fully embraced it for fear I would never find someone. (I still didn’t so I should’ve stuck with it. Now, it’s back to the beginning.)

I’m doing Single and Happy monthly. Please share if you are too. #SAH

Grief support. 

  

I just started a grief support group this week at church. I know: I seem like the last person who should set foot in a church, lest it come crumbling down at my feet.  I’ve become so bitter and hard since my mom died. She’s the one person who I felt loved me for me. I was enough, just as I was. I don’t even feel that way about God.  She died just before (hours) my birthday and I felt like that confirmed his dislike for me. 

However, I need to deal with her death.  I thought I had, but there’s still so much anger regarding the circumstances before and after she died that it’s spilled over into every other part of my life. I’m also become a quasi-hermit who happens to have a full time job.  The first group session was hard, but I kept it together for the most part. I’m also going to try private counseling session. 

I’m also getting a gun permit in case it doesn’t work. I’ve run out of options and I can’t live like this for another 30+ years. 

The other F word. 

  

Article: http://www.beleaderly.com/7-signs-youre-about-to-fail-and-what-to-do-about-it/

My issue: 

The lunch hour: NC Museum of Natural Sciences. 

 

  

Recipe for a successful month. 

 Start out with a little of this… 

14.99 a month! Interested in seeing the Leftovers.

Throw in some: 

   

And end with this:  

 #endscene

About time. 

   

A creek I hadn’t noticed before

Part of the reason I’m miserable is that I’ve gained back the 40 lbs I lost 3 years ago. What’s worse is first 25 lb gain was deliberate. I had a bad experience that really shook me and I wanted to hide. It’s easier for people (namely me) to think you’re single if you have some major flaw vs. being naturally  unattractive. The assumption is that you can do something about the former; with the latter you’re just screwed. I’m the latter. I initially lost the weight by running and was in the best shape of my life, back then. However, I stilll wasn’t “enough” and realized I was never going to be. I chose to hide and eat in order to cope. 

Now, I’m tired of being uncomfortable, wearing ill-fitting clothes, achy bones and not making eye contact with anyone. My fat is holding me back, in a different way than I’d expected. I knew being fat would make me invisible, but i became invisible to myself in the process. I didn’t matter at all. 

So, tonight I ran. It’s only one run, but I hope it’s enough to stop the hamster wheel of insanity I’m on. I want to start enjoying life instead of continually wishing for it to be over. 

    From my front door, post-run