My time. 

 

Horrible pun, but it’s still funny

 

Permit applied for.  It’ll take about two weeks. It’ll take longer than than that for me to make arrangements. I don’t want to leave a mess for my family to deal with. 

The new purpose of this blog is to leave a record so that they’ll know how I felt. They can come to whatever rationalizations they want, but I’ll at least have the opportunity to say my piece. Without dismissive “oh it’ll get better.” or “God heals.” or “you can’t have everything you want.” 

Everything? I prayed for God to send me a man who could beat the crap out of me just so I could have someone – and I still wasn’t good enough to get someone like that. That hardly sounds like “everything.” now I’m old and surrounded by friends with good jobs, marriages and families I’ll never have. I don’t expect people – particularly women – to understand. We can get some guy whenever we want to, right? Think twice the next time you say that because there’s.someone like me out there who can’t, regardless of how much weight she loses, or changes her eye color, or completely eliminates her standards. She can’t do the basic thing that most women should be able to do – attract a guy. Any guy. Rapists. Pedophiles. Any guy. Do you have any idea how worthless and incompetent that makes you feel? Chances are most women don’t because they haven’t experienced it. 

But whatever. This is my time. No more praying to or bargaining with God (be grateful!) or hoping tomorrow will be different. Time to make plans to get out of this shit and, oddly, that makes me feel a little bit better about getting up in the morning. And tomorrow I get to see my doctor so I can stockpile on meds and have options in case the gun thing doesn’t work out. It’s funny because I’m such a fuck-up at trying to make good things happen that I know death is going to be a cakewalk. 

But my blog won’t be all sad. I’ll leave behind photos I take or things I find funny. I’m still living; it’s just that I know I won’t have to suffer for much longer. We should all be so lucky. 

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Have you hugged your dealer today?

How does one find drugs?

I missed this lesson in school. I’ve never even smoked pot because I have no idea where to get it. I feel like like would be so much better if I could come home, take a hit of something and feel good for a bit. However you can’t really put out a Craigslist ad for drugs. Plus I look like a narc. 

Then I of course have the fear that if I did find someone they’d be a narc and I’d be arrested – and I still wouldn’t have gotten high!

I’ll have to keep my eyes open and some money in my pocket. I have no idea what stuff even costs. Shame. 

Simple math. 

  

Mayday. 

 

 Ran/walked in a 5k today. Finished right under 45m. I’m pleased. 

Started phentermine last week. It helps control my hunger.  Also started Lamotrigine. Dr didn’t give me a label. Told her what I tried and she suggested it. “Look, I don’t  care what we call the diagnosis, we just want you to feel better.” Agreed.  She gave me other stuff to help sleep and calm down quickly, if I need to. The Lamotriginenwill take about that month to kick in. I love psychiatrists .  They mean business. Tried a psychologist and…yeah. Waste of $50.    

So I’m trying to become thin and sane. Any bets on which happens? (if any)

Better than the Bachelor. 

Free rose from the grocery  store. 

 

Single and Happy

Please don’t misconstrue this as an overly perky “He’s out there and I know God has him waiting for me!!!” post. Being single is horrible. This post isn’t for people who don’t want to be in a relationship; it’s for those of us who would settle for questionable behavior just to have a relationship because it’s been close to a decade since you’ve been in one. We need something to do in the meantime otherwise we’ll kill ourselves for having no options. 

If you are single and Type A, I think you’ll enjoy this article titled “Single and Happy” because it’s practical. The author provides a plan for enhancing  six dimensions of a woman’s life that help her feel more fulfilled. Practical = 👍

If you’re looking for a more in-depth resource about creating a well-rounded single life, I recommend “With or Without a Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives.”  This book is the primer on how to make sure you’re meeting your needs (career, friendships, your home etc.) regardless of a man being present in your life. It’s unlike any singles book you’ve read before. I followed the methods for awhile in my 20s, but never fully embraced it for fear I would never find someone. (I still didn’t so I should’ve stuck with it. Now, it’s back to the beginning.)

I’m doing Single and Happy monthly. Please share if you are too. #SAH

Grief support. 

  

I just started a grief support group this week at church. I know: I seem like the last person who should set foot in a church, lest it come crumbling down at my feet.  I’ve become so bitter and hard since my mom died. She’s the one person who I felt loved me for me. I was enough, just as I was. I don’t even feel that way about God.  She died just before (hours) my birthday and I felt like that confirmed his dislike for me. 

However, I need to deal with her death.  I thought I had, but there’s still so much anger regarding the circumstances before and after she died that it’s spilled over into every other part of my life. I’m also become a quasi-hermit who happens to have a full time job.  The first group session was hard, but I kept it together for the most part. I’m also going to try private counseling session. 

I’m also getting a gun permit in case it doesn’t work. I’ve run out of options and I can’t live like this for another 30+ years. 

The other F word. 

  

Article: http://www.beleaderly.com/7-signs-youre-about-to-fail-and-what-to-do-about-it/

My issue: 

The lunch hour: NC Museum of Natural Sciences. 

 

  

Recipe for a successful month. 

 Start out with a little of this… 

14.99 a month! Interested in seeing the Leftovers.

Throw in some: 

   

And end with this:  

 #endscene