Mayday. 

 

 Ran/walked in a 5k today. Finished right under 45m. I’m pleased. 

Started phentermine last week. It helps control my hunger.  Also started Lamotrigine. Dr didn’t give me a label. Told her what I tried and she suggested it. “Look, I don’t  care what we call the diagnosis, we just want you to feel better.” Agreed.  She gave me other stuff to help sleep and calm down quickly, if I need to. The Lamotriginenwill take about that month to kick in. I love psychiatrists .  They mean business. Tried a psychologist and…yeah. Waste of $50.    

So I’m trying to become thin and sane. Any bets on which happens? (if any)

About time. 

   

A creek I hadn’t noticed before

Part of the reason I’m miserable is that I’ve gained back the 40 lbs I lost 3 years ago. What’s worse is first 25 lb gain was deliberate. I had a bad experience that really shook me and I wanted to hide. It’s easier for people (namely me) to think you’re single if you have some major flaw vs. being naturally  unattractive. The assumption is that you can do something about the former; with the latter you’re just screwed. I’m the latter. I initially lost the weight by running and was in the best shape of my life, back then. However, I stilll wasn’t “enough” and realized I was never going to be. I chose to hide and eat in order to cope. 

Now, I’m tired of being uncomfortable, wearing ill-fitting clothes, achy bones and not making eye contact with anyone. My fat is holding me back, in a different way than I’d expected. I knew being fat would make me invisible, but i became invisible to myself in the process. I didn’t matter at all. 

So, tonight I ran. It’s only one run, but I hope it’s enough to stop the hamster wheel of insanity I’m on. I want to start enjoying life instead of continually wishing for it to be over. 

    From my front door, post-run

 

Last Supper

I’m so swollen. My stomach feels like it’s going to burst.

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Tomorrow, I start my pills.

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I’m sure they’ll kill my appetite so this will be the last good binge meal I’ll have in awhile.
;

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I have an appointment at a weight loss clinic this afternoon. They’ll probably prescribe me phen and topiramate; my BMI is just under 30. I had lost 40 lbs but I’ve gained about 20 back. It’s easier to feel unwanted when you’re ugly than when you’re trying your best not to be. However, my weight was the only positive thing I had in my life. I want something to feel good about again. Pills should make it easier, too.

This time I know that I’m the only one who will care. I don’t expect men will notice. I’ll still be ignored, won’t get asked out and be alone. This is just for me. It’d be nice to fine an online support community, though.

If I work really hard, maybe I’ll look like this woman, in nine months. I just want to feel skinny for once. I want to look as invisible as I feel.

me, myself & ana

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