Permit applied for. It’ll take about two weeks. It’ll take longer than than that for me to make arrangements. I don’t want to leave a mess for my family to deal with.
The new purpose of this blog is to leave a record so that they’ll know how I felt. They can come to whatever rationalizations they want, but I’ll at least have the opportunity to say my piece. Without dismissive “oh it’ll get better.” or “God heals.” or “you can’t have everything you want.”
Everything? I prayed for God to send me a man who could beat the crap out of me just so I could have someone – and I still wasn’t good enough to get someone like that. That hardly sounds like “everything.” now I’m old and surrounded by friends with good jobs, marriages and families I’ll never have. I don’t expect people – particularly women – to understand. We can get some guy whenever we want to, right? Think twice the next time you say that because there’s.someone like me out there who can’t, regardless of how much weight she loses, or changes her eye color, or completely eliminates her standards. She can’t do the basic thing that most women should be able to do – attract a guy. Any guy. Rapists. Pedophiles. Any guy. Do you have any idea how worthless and incompetent that makes you feel? Chances are most women don’t because they haven’t experienced it.
But whatever. This is my time. No more praying to or bargaining with God (be grateful!) or hoping tomorrow will be different. Time to make plans to get out of this shit and, oddly, that makes me feel a little bit better about getting up in the morning. And tomorrow I get to see my doctor so I can stockpile on meds and have options in case the gun thing doesn’t work out. It’s funny because I’m such a fuck-up at trying to make good things happen that I know death is going to be a cakewalk.
But my blog won’t be all sad. I’ll leave behind photos I take or things I find funny. I’m still living; it’s just that I know I won’t have to suffer for much longer. We should all be so lucky.