It’s been awhile. Aside from the 20 lbs I’ve gained, nothing has changed. And I moved. And started a new job (for better or worse). And got the new iPhone. But that’s all.
I’ve stopped forcing myself to push through. No self improvement books, exercising, dreaming at all. My new mantra has been “Shut it down.” I forgot who I was a minute last summer and made a mess of things work-wise. The hope dept officially closed for good and while it feels sad, there’s also been a sense of relief in some odd way. I don’t look at each morning as an opportunity for things to turn around. They won’t; they never have. That’s led to crying spells shortly after waking up, but it’s better than living with hope.
I go to church occasionally. I don’t know why because it’s painful. To know I’m being punished now and I’ll get it again in the afterlife seems like double Jeopardy, but I can’t control it or pray it away.
I have my new phone to keep me entertained. And wine. That’s all you really need in life anyway.