Start out with a little of this…
Throw in some:
And end with this:
Part of the reason I’m miserable is that I’ve gained back the 40 lbs I lost 3 years ago. What’s worse is first 25 lb gain was deliberate. I had a bad experience that really shook me and I wanted to hide. It’s easier for people (namely me) to think you’re single if you have some major flaw vs. being naturally unattractive. The assumption is that you can do something about the former; with the latter you’re just screwed. I’m the latter. I initially lost the weight by running and was in the best shape of my life, back then. However, I stilll wasn’t “enough” and realized I was never going to be. I chose to hide and eat in order to cope.
Now, I’m tired of being uncomfortable, wearing ill-fitting clothes, achy bones and not making eye contact with anyone. My fat is holding me back, in a different way than I’d expected. I knew being fat would make me invisible, but i became invisible to myself in the process. I didn’t matter at all.
So, tonight I ran. It’s only one run, but I hope it’s enough to stop the hamster wheel of insanity I’m on. I want to start enjoying life instead of continually wishing for it to be over.
Does anyone else feel excited by this photo?
I created a whole story in my head about the type of people who have a fridge, like this. They’re fun, very smart and a bit free-spirited.
I want to have a fridge like this and a life that comes along with it. Unfortunately, The Container Store only sells the bins.
Downtown skyline from Boylan Ave.
I drafted this last summer and never posted it. I decided to grow cat grass. The last photo is where it ended; the first is the beginning. It was dirt for a good 7-10 days and then it sprang up our of nowhere overnight (last photo). I had to keep rotating the plant sonic would grow straight. Nature is pretty awesome.
It’s been awhile. Aside from the 20 lbs I’ve gained, nothing has changed. And I moved. And started a new job (for better or worse). And got the new iPhone. But that’s all.
I’ve stopped forcing myself to push through. No self improvement books, exercising, dreaming at all. My new mantra has been “Shut it down.” I forgot who I was a minute last summer and made a mess of things work-wise. The hope dept officially closed for good and while it feels sad, there’s also been a sense of relief in some odd way. I don’t look at each morning as an opportunity for things to turn around. They won’t; they never have. That’s led to crying spells shortly after waking up, but it’s better than living with hope.
I go to church occasionally. I don’t know why because it’s painful. To know I’m being punished now and I’ll get it again in the afterlife seems like double Jeopardy, but I can’t control it or pray it away.
I have my new phone to keep me entertained. And wine. That’s all you really need in life anyway.